It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
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The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
What?
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.