Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
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Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.