@iinkedZombie: My son asked me what it's like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn't sleep.
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@mynameisntdave: ME: honey, it's really muggy out today WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
@TheTalkingPipe: I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.