my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
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Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.