My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
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There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
at ease…shoulder.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Sign of the day..
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?