Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
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It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE