My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
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Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook