My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
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Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes