I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
You Might Also Like
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…