i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
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Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
My purse is deeper than some people.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
When a shoelace touches your ankle