Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
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manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless