“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
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My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more