4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
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got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
6: are snakes just neck?
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!