A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
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17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I have a type: disappointing
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
No way!
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]