got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
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*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay