My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
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RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake