@DadandBuried: My son can now reach the light switches so don't come over my house unless you're really into raves or want to have a seizure.
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@GuyThe_Guy: I'm starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
@CulturedRuffian: I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
@krisv_723: *Friend hands me their baby. I whisper* The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice. And that’s how I get out of babysitting.