My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
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when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
It’s the weekend y’all
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
When ur friends with white people
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶