My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
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I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow