My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
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Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.