My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
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When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.