My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
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THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!