My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
You Might Also Like
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.