@SlabBaconBP: My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he's finished.
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@Vodkantots: "And what will you do if you're crowned Miss Universe?" "I will have a special prosecutor put the first runner up in jail."
@man_in_radiator: My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
@Henry_3k: *Goes back in time to kill the inventors of Twitter. Returns home to amaze friends on Facebook with endless jokes about vodka & pizza.*
@IvoryGazelle: do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil' dudes knew, they were just mining and shit