My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
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“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Sniffing the broccoli
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.