There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
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i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Growing up was a huge mistake
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*