My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
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no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.