My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
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Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
channeling her this year
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here