My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
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Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.