My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
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Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.