I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
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[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.