My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
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Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Bill is short for Billiam
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies