My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
You Might Also Like
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Air conditioning – not a fan