My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
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I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
🤣🤣🤣
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know