just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
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You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
emergency phone
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.