[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
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*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist