My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
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Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Yup….perfect score!
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.