My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
You Might Also Like
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.