@KentWGraham: My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
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@blondecalamity: Me: I baked cookies! Who's the best Mom ever? Son: Oprah! Me: Gimme the damn cookies back! Son: See? Oprah GIVES, she doesn't take!
@01CandyQueen: Bae: come over Me: do you have food? Bae: my parents aren't home Me: Are they gonna come back with food?
@krisv_723: Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it's arrests & psych evaluations.
@NinjaSweatpants: Getting asked 'you want a fork' by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears