@KentWGraham: My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
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@MaraWritesStuff: Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That's what adulthood's like.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion! Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
@Adam_Kingsnorth: Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
@Shot_Of_Cabo: Impress your wife by cleaning something she just cleaned and then proudly announce, "There! Now it's clean."