My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
You Might Also Like
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
This guy gets it.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Oh thanks BBC.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
I have a type: disappointing
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.