My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
You Might Also Like
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.