Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
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Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*