Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
You Might Also Like
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.