@Brianhopecomedy: My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
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@DaddyJew: Interviewer: why did you leave your last job? [flashback to me trying to sword fight all the customers at Toys R Us] Me: discrimination
@mindintheshadow: My ex is looking for a job but I don't think satan is retiring anytime soon so I suppose she'll be unemployed for a while.
@RuinMyWeek: If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it's that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
@onion_an: [on date pretending not to be a dung beetle] Date: What's your favourite meal? Me: Poop Date: What? Me: SOUP, I like eating soup