My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
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“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Liquor Store Parking
Lmao
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Choose your fighter
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am