My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
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Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
“Theirye’re” problem solved
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.