My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
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Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Birds & Planes.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Imma just leave this here…………
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.