My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
You Might Also Like
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it