My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
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If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
How to wake up a Beagle
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
The honesty is refreshing
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Breaking news:
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.