Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
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Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
So we got a goldfish…
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.