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If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.