@TheTweetOfGod: My son is 2,000 years old and still lives with His parents. #loser
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@LeBearGirdle: [At dinner with wife's friends] Me: may I chime in Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes- *my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
@behindyourback: Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we'll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
@YeahDrewisOn: I've learned there are two types of people in this world: People I trust to help me bury bodies... ...and bodies
@martyntanton: My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."