Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
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Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*