@TheTweetOfGod: My son is 2,000 years old and still lives with His parents. #loser
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@junejuly12: Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don't think he knows he lost one.
@jake_likes_naps: [gets down on 1 knee with ring box] GF: OMG! Me: Babe? GF: Yes? Me: One ring to rule them all. [I put on the ring and vanish forever]
@iLikeCatShirts: Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels? Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
@Rollinintheseat: When I go to a restaurant, I stare at the menu for 10 minutes, and then order the exact same thing I did the last 20 times I've been there.