My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
You Might Also Like
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?