@TheCiscoKidder: My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
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@stenokel: Jehovah's witnesses are at my door. *Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, "Are you the keymaster?"*
@juanadog: 911: 911, What's your emergency? Me: It's John again. 911: John, seriously!!! Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
@WheelTod: Did you know statistically you're more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife