My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
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Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?